Sample roasts — all fictional businesses

See how the sausage gets burned.

Eight fictional businesses, fully cooked. Every roast comes with the serious diagnosis underneath.

SaaS84%

Nimbusly — SaaS landing page

“You are not out of business. But your homepage is trying.”

Primary leak

Vague positioning.

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Local Business71%

Hartwell & Sons — contractor website

“Thirty-seven years of trust, zero pixels of proof.”

Primary leak

Claims without receipts.

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Local Business66%

Lumière Aesthetics — med spa page

“Luxurious. Vague. Expensively unclear.”

Primary leak

Unanswered buyer objections.

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Local Business78%

Copper Kettle Bistro — restaurant homepage

“The food might be great. The website is a PDF with a dream.”

Primary leak

Mobile neglect.

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Creator62%

Jules Kade — creator landing page

“Nine links, zero reasons to click any of them.”

Primary leak

Interchangeable positioning.

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Investor Relations88%

Meridian Dynamics — investor relations page

“Your IR page communicates one thing clearly: nobody's home.”

Primary leak

Credibility vacuum.

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Agency74%

Forge & Narrative — agency site

“An agency selling differentiation, without any.”

Primary leak

Interchangeable positioning.

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Idea91%

Uber-for-houseplants — business idea

“The plants will outlive this business model.”

Primary leak

No reason to act today.

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